Tag Archives: McSweeney’s Monday

McSweeney’s Monday

It’s undeniable:

Now on the California pavement, we struggled to maintain consciousness. As if fueled by our ruin, the partying intensified. We observed as near nuclear tanning spells erupted, accompanied by fierce freaking and what seemed like an endless session of putting hands up. We heard the obstructed bellow of the queen as she released her horrible, unmentionable shrieking: “Aoaoaoao oh aoaoaoao!”

More anthropological field analysis of the California Gurl, here.

McSweeney’s Monday

The titles do all of the work this week:

AQUAMAN, KING OF THE SEVEN SEAS, HAS FUCKING HAD IT WITH YOU, MAN.

And:

THE SLOW AND PAINFUL COLLAPSE OF A RELATIONSHIP OVER THE COURSE OF A WEEKLONG VACATION AS EXPRESSED BY THE NAMES EACH PARTNER GAVE THEIR DIGITAL PHOTOS TAKEN DURING SAID VACATION.

Haveagoodweek.jpg

(Timothy) McSweeney’s Tuesday

A day late, for a good reason – the weekend in verse:

In the early morning hour,
just before dawn, the two lovers wake
and sip from the leftover Franzia box wine.

She asks, “Do you love me or yourself more?
Please, tell the absolute truth.”

He says, “Me.
But only because I have no clue who you are.”

More debaucherous quatrains here.

McSweeney’s Monday

The following is a beach house listing on CraigsList:

$1,000 wk/8BR — Come enjoy beautiful East Hampton this summer! Awesome beach house just steps from ocean, with fabulous views throughout. New Weber grill. Plenty of rooms to sob in. Totally did not just rent this and hope I could find seven other people to spend the summer with me. Tennis nearby.

Interested renters inquire here.

McSweeney’s Monday

For the bloggin’ community – the titles of great novels, SEO’d:

8 Surprising Ways West Egg Is Exemplary Of The Hollowness Of The American Dream

Animal Farm, Catcher in the Rye, and more, here.

McSweeney’s Monday

Know your housesittee before your housesit:

A few things to be mindful of during your stay:

• There isn’t much “food” food, but there are plenty of vitamins, though many of the “vitamins” are “special vitamins,” which you’ll have to pay for. Uppers are $15. Downers are $5.

• All of the light bulbs in the basement burnt out right before I left, so definitely don’t go down there no matter what. It’s pretty much just concrete and chains and stained pillowcases and lengths of rubber hose, anyway.

More here.

McSweeney’s Tuesday

Man, that long weekend was fun, huh? Now, get to work:

Before you remove us from this frame and replace us with a picture of yourselves, I want you to take a nice, long look at us. We’re gorgeous. What are the chances that your family is as happy and aesthetically pleasing as us? I’d have to say four percent, tops.

That is a message from the family in the photo that came with your new picture frame. The rest of the message is here.