McSweeney’s Monday

Everyone could use a little more McSweeney’s in their life. Thus, McSweeney’s Monday may become a regular feature. Another “Best of.” We like those. Enjoy:

Godzilla’s Food, Exercise, and Dream Diary

Breakfast: Two schools of fish from Tokyo Bay. Calories: 782,000. How I was feeling when I ate this: confused, irradiated, hating my size.

Has Bell Invented a “Telegraph Killer?”

We had difficulty reaching other users on the Bell apparatus, which Alexander Graham admits will have limited utility until they build a second Telephone. In comparison, the Telegraph network already has fifteen machines connecting backwaters like Los Angeles to metropolises like Cincinnati, a support gap that should only widen in the coming months. Leaked reports from Morse reveal plans to suspend a line between New York and London using kites by January, a scheme insiders predict to be a terrific success.

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